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women

ELEMENT: WOMAN SYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAM ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg. OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas. Physical Properties: 1. Surface normally covered with a painted film. 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points. Chemical Properties: 1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental. 2. Can be a great aid in relaxation. 3. Very effective cleaning agent. Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come into contact with each other.

Comments (0) 26.04.2008. 18:53

twice a day

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

Comments (0) 26.04.2008. 18:52

liz taylor

Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old." The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation. "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!" "I swear Liz" the surgeon replies. The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears. "How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!! " "Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation." Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger ,"And who sent those?" "Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".

Comments (0) 23.04.2008. 01:26

tennis

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member". After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."

Comments (0) 23.04.2008. 01:24

to the doctor

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going ?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

Comments (0) 20.04.2008. 01:54

Grandpa

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

Comments (0) 15.04.2008. 14:10

Pair Of Nikes

Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on. With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?" "I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

Comments (0) 11.04.2008. 13:59

Personal Secretary

A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald."

Comments (0) 11.04.2008. 13:57

execution

The huge black dude was getting ready for the electric chair - he had been found guilty of rape and murder. The witnesses to the execution were astonished when the prisoner's pant leg was cut and a tiny electrode was prepared to be placed on his penis. "Hey don't look so surprised" the condemned man said. "Yours would shrink and shrivel up too it you were about to be zapped!"

Comments (0) 11.04.2008. 13:09

the towel

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Comments (0) 10.04.2008. 22:02

becoming

Boy: Those clothes are very becoming on you! Girl: Why thank you! Boy: Of course, if I was on you...I would becoming too!

Comments (0) 09.04.2008. 14:06

camel

A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says "For Christ's sake, what do you want now?" The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.

Comments (0) 09.04.2008. 14:05

sex and marriage

Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex? First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits. Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom. Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You !"

Comments (0) 08.04.2008. 15:31

Rabbi and the Priest

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Comments (0) 08.04.2008. 15:30

Funny Foreign English Phrases

1. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. 2. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. 3. Doctor's office in Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. 4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. 5. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. 6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION. 7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO. 8. The best! In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. 9. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. 10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Comments (0) 02.04.2008. 13:43